tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
