If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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