69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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