my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
