You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
