my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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