Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
