So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
