Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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