Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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