I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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