please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
