My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
