The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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