I faked an abortion last night.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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