The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
