Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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