3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We just shotgunned beers for America
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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