Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
