I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
