I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize