He disabled his match.com account in front of me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Alive.
So much puke
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
