There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
