I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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