I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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