I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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