final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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