oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
