Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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