I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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