So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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