My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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