this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
