yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
