Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
