remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
