No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
