I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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