I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
