my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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