I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
