The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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