I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
