the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
