Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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