operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
