but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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