Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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