The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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