My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We smell like vodka and hangover
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