i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
