Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
