She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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