I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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