My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
