4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
