Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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