I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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