I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
